Tonight I wept throughout J-Bird’s band performance. Wept because it is his last middle school performance. More than just him though. I wept because Baby Butch will graduate high school in less than a month. I wept because Elle will be a senior next year. I wept because my oldest son and his fiancé mentioned this weekend over breakfast that they are looking to move into a two bedroom apartment because they are thinking of starting to try to have a baby.
Milestones are blurring past too fast. I am so proud and yet long to hold them each tighter. Grip them like sand that cannot be kept. They slip between my fingers and go out into the world to be diamonds.
As J-Bird started setting up his percussion equipment I was suddenly transported to his last elementary school musical. I felt this same pain then. This same precipice was present in every second. I wrote this about that feeling then just before my 40th birthday:
Life and Time from December 6, 2011
I held Todd’s hand tightly during the musical. Sitting on the cafeteria benches at the same elementary that my older daughters went to. Listening to the same songs they sang during their own fifth grade performances. Tears came to my eyes and I gripped tighter. I could see in my mind’s eye my 50th birthday year. All of them grown. All of them outside of my grasp. Beyond my womb, my embrace, my home. Off into their lives. I clung to his hand knowing his hand would still be there holding mine in that not so distant future.
I love my life. I know it will go by much too quickly.
Still true. So true.
It is like only a few deep breaths have passed since that night. I still clung to Todd’s hand.
I still love my life. It is still going too quickly.